I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
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a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad