AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
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Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not