One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
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waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.