Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
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hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
drew a comic about my origin story
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Happy Febuary everyone!