Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.