Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
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I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer