GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
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Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]