Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
You Might Also Like
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.