Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
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-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
it must be school picture day
2022: I can fix it
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?