Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
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After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty