getting old is fun
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Europe. Made in Germany.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Feel. He’s so soft.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Breaking news:
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.