Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm