People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
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Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
that wasn’t the question
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.