What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
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I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?