I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
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Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
good morning
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.