I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘