Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.