My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I miss this era type of pranks😭
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Yup.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]