I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
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ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Phonetics
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT