*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Extremely relatable.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious