What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
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Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
this is how life feels
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Said the murderer.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”