Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
50 shades of grey = my Liver
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Go hard or stay average
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15