8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
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me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!