I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.