I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
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what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Had to try this trend 😊
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.