If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
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Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.