[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
You Might Also Like
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?