-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
called in thicc to work this morning
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Goat cheese is for herders.