If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
You Might Also Like
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Super Hand Dog Face
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍