Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)