A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.