I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Smallpox sounds so adorable
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me