found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
You Might Also Like
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Pigeon open mic night.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle