Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
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Ugh
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.