Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
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First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.