My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
You Might Also Like
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
yeah not falling for this one
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what