None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
You Might Also Like
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Pretty much! 😂👀
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes