I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
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Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I’d use my best pan on you.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Love it! 👍😂
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky