I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
You Might Also Like
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Hank is one in a melon.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica