A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
You Might Also Like
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
It’s a gift
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod