Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
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[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?