Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
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Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer