Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”