I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
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People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.