Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
the official breakfast of 2021
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.