Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Stop.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST