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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.