I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Tuesday
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait