High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
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An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Squeak, squeak, squeak!