KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
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“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.